Songwriter in the hizz-house

[dezagirl]

hay =3
i'm new here and probably will just roam around on the forums, so yeah.
if anyone wants me to write songs for them i'd be happy to.
anyways I need some advice on this song:
--------------------------------
Memories faded to gray
The hues, the colors, they never stay.
Long gone, they've passed away
And I'm left all alone, with nothing, in the fray

So maybe I'm a little...upset
But I have good reason to be distressed

"SO WHAT?" people say,
They don't understand
The heartache, the way
I'm kept under demand...

Look at myself in the mirror
My picture is never clearer
Then the day before...
oh yeah

(musical interlude)

People, pass by,
they never ask so they don't care why,
smiles, worth-whiles, all the day...

People, say
They don't know the road they're gonna take
Well, they're lucky
Ignorance is bliss...

So maybe I'm a little...upset
But I have good reason to be distressed

"SO WHAT?" people say,
They don't understand
The heartache, the way
I'm kept under demand...
------------------------
love it? hate it? want to vomit on the computer screen?

[crimson_713]

Nice lyrics! It's a bit more straight-forward than my own style (I like imagery), but I will say one thing. You have the word people in almost every section of the song. You say a lot about what people say...that I sometimes feel like I don't know what YOU'RE saying. The message of the song is clear enough, but I'd like to hear a little more from you (or the persona in the song) and what you (or she) has to say, not just feel. Does that make any sense at all?

A long time ago, I met a pianist who wrote alternative rock, and he told me "If you're going to write an emotional-based song, the last verse has to be gut-wrenching and powerful, even if it's not true." I don't agree with it fully, but it's a good guidline. Start hard, finish strong, and leave your listener (or reader, in this case), with a strong, almost passionate feeling about what you've created.

There's my two cents.

[Post Toastie]

i withhold judgment til i hear the music.

how old are you ?