please take a glance at these lyrics...

[EnSkorSang]

I am always completely unsure about my lyrics, spend ages over them, only to end up being indifferent to most of them, so some objective feedback and help would be great! Heres one set, called 'the lifeboat':

He’ll be waiting in the evening
Waiting whilst he's sleeping
Still waiting when the morning comes
He's not sure what hes waiting for but someday it will come

Once before his life broke
She could not reach the lifeboat
Now he spends his days on the road
Searching for the pieces and trying to make them fit in his home

CHOROUS
And as he grows up and gets older
He tries to sweep the years off his shoulder
But still he hopes for a day to come
He’ll turn around and the lifeboat will be there
And she will come back

Swept away she gasped and tried to make her breath last
Washed ashore desert isle
Thinking of her lover but knowing it was over inside

But he did not give up and proceeded to look
'Cause he thought he heard her cry
Sure enough he found her on the desert isle

CHOROUS
Now they’ve grown up and grown older
They can walk shoulder to shoulder
But still he thinks of the years hes lost
And dreams that the lifeboat is there
But she did come back.

[Zan]

The chorus should be the destination for the verses. Show me in the verses, tell me why in the chorus, this does not. Also the third and fourth verses have 3 lines while the 1st and 2nd had 4 The last line in the chorus "She will come back" just kind of hangs out there like it was an after thought. Finally, Is the Island literal or a metaphor?? I'm a pretty deep guy but it still went over my head, the listener wants to enjoy the song they don't want to have to stop and think about it

[EnSkorSang]

You are trying to read way to much into it, theres nothing deep, its just a story and i think its pretty easy to get..
on the lines issue, thats just the way i typed it, if you count the beats its pretty much equal: i could have written:
swept away she gasped and
tried to make her breath last
washed ashore a desert isle
thinking of her lover but knowing it was over inside

as for the other advice...thanks, but i kinda think that the chorous IS the destination..the verse is dealing with something in the past and the chorous is how it is now. but thanks, ill definetlytry to make a more obvious change in my next attempts.

I've actually recorded it now (its taken so long to get a reply i just wrote music for it as it is..) so you can see how that 'hanging' line fits in...my whole intention was for it to 'hang' like you said, as a kind of break between the chorous and verse..but i guess maybe it doesnt work...

[frshtrx]

Hi Enkorsang -
just what comes to my mind - I get the resolution of the journey in the change of lyrics for the chorus, but think the subject matter being resolved by such changes should take place in the verse, and the chorus a shorter but more universal statement about the couple in question...the verses the details and the chorus the summation. Initially that would create foreshadow, and later punctuating clarity.
just a more beaten song structure focus, so someone listening would be able to walk away with a deeper connection to the situation described, before during and after the song.
any chance we could update the theme to something of this century...like docking on a space station...or ...fighting for a space in a parking garage...
one thing that helps me make a song more lyrically interesting is to start at the end, jumble the order of the stanza, and see if it creates healthier tension...when you start off with :
He’ll be waiting in the evening.../...He's not sure what hes waiting for but someday it will come

I'm already reaching for the next button...but if you started with:

Swept away she gasped and tried to make her breath last

Then I 'd be real curious as to what the heck is going on?! I better listen up!
then tell me the story of how she got this way...that, to me, would be much more intriguing

imho

[EnSkorSang]

Originally Posted by frshtrx

Hi Enkorsang -
just what comes to my mind - I get the resolution of the journey in the change of lyrics for the chorus, but think the subject matter being resolved by such changes should take place in the verse, and the chorus a shorter but more universal statement about the couple in question...the verses the details and the chorus the summation. Initially that would create foreshadow, and later punctuating clarity.
just a more beaten song structure focus, so someone listening would be able to walk away with a deeper connection to the situation described, before during and after the song.
any chance we could update the theme to something of this century...like docking on a space station...or ...fighting for a space in a parking garage...
one thing that helps me make a song more lyrically interesting is to start at the end, jumble the order of the stanza, and see if it creates healthier tension...when you start off with :
He’ll be waiting in the evening.../...He's not sure what hes waiting for but someday it will come

I'm already reaching for the next button...but if you started with:

Swept away she gasped and tried to make her breath last

Then I 'd be real curious as to what the heck is going on?! I better listen up!
then tell me the story of how she got this way...that, to me, would be much more intriguing

imho

thanks v much, ill do that

[rah2435]

I've always found it difficult to critique lyrics w/o hearing the music behind them. Seems to me that some of my favorite lyrics sound awful when just reading them as I would a poem.
It's been said that some of the best lyrics make lousy poetry and some of the best poetry would make lousy lyrics.

Just an observation.....


rich

[stratt28]

Hi...this is my first post here.

In response to this posting, I seem to recall how a similar story was relayed by Bob Dylan in his book CHRONICLES VOL. I. He (or Daniel Lanois) talk about recording "Series Of Dreams" in New Orleans. I think it was Bob who said that he originally wanted to use each verse as a chorus and each chorus as a verse...kind of opposite of what actually got laid down. It's interesting to hear a comment like that as I never really gave it much thought. In the context of this posting, the lyrics (i.e. story) would take on a whole new cool path to follow.

Stratt28 in NH