Lyrics for review.

[crimson_713]

I've been working on this one for quite a while, and I'd like to get an opinion. The song is an acoustic rock song with a slight Journey-like feel to it. I'll post the recording when it's done. In the meanwhile...





Shadows fall
On the bedroom floor
He hears her say she sorry
As she walks out the door
She dries her eyes
With the curtain of his heart
There's no more room for sadness
When you're back at the start
The mirror gives a cold and hard reflection
You can lie to the ones you love, but not to yourself
I've come to terms with the fact that you're leaving
But I'd rather it was you than anyone else...

Morning light
Through the painted glass
He knows that she's gone
But it's much too fast
Her pillow's cold
And the sheets are empty
The dawn is unforgiving
But the night is free
Is there a chance that tomorrow, it won't be raining?
He stares out of the window towards the sun
She spread her wings and soared above the ocean
While he lays grounded like a wounded dove

How many hours have we wasted together?
And how many days have passed us by?
I only ever wanted to lift you up
To help you spread your wings and fly
I never thought it would be a goodbye

Wisp of smoke
Curling 'round his fingers
Sharp intake of breath
And the feeling lingers
He dries his tears
in the bottle's hollow
His spirit fails
'Cause there's no tomorrow
Her healing hands now are cold and barren
And she's spent too long lying to herself
His voice is raw from lonely nights of silence
But he'd rather it was her than anyone else

How many hours have we wasted together?
And how many days have passed us by?
I only ever wanted to lift you up
To help you spread your wings and fly
I never thought it would be a goodbye

You pushed me toward the edge, and now I find I'm falling
Funny how I didn't see until the end
Grasping for the ledge so I can pull myself back to safety
but my fingers slip the stone again

A sliver ring
Left in her old drawer
He finds the tiny band
As she knocks on the door
Her eyes are dark
And her hands are empty
"I've come to say goodbye,
If you'll let me"
He smiles and places the ring in her hands
And whispers, "Just keep on lying to yourself."
The rain starts to fall to hide her tears
'Cause she'd rather it was him than anyone else.

How many hours have we wasted together?
And how many days have passed us by?
I only ever wanted to lift you up
To help you spread your wings and fly
I never thought it would be a goodbye




Constructive criticism is always welcome.

[sp4585]

First reactions:
I'll start with the "negatives".
1) Wow, that's a lot of lyrics. I think the verses are pretty long as well. I count 4 verse-type sections that each have 12 lines.

2) The words paint a kind of bittersweet picture... it's almost as if the writer is glad that "she" is gone: "The dawn is unforgiving... But the night is free" Perhaps that is what you're going for. I guess I'd have to hear the music that goes with it because when I initially imagined how to sing it, it sounded a lot more sad, but then I read the lyrics and caught that bittersweet tinge to it. And I'm not sure that this is a "negative" at all, just something to consider.

Positives
1) I could really hear this song in my head and actually want to sing along with it even though I've never heard it before. The lyrics are very poignant and colorful.

2) After reading a second time, I really appreciate the conflict within this story. Especially the way it is tied at the end. It's really good.

A few other notes:
There was one line that caught me as needing adjustment just based on the way I would sing it: "And the feeling lingers"
For the purpose of phrasing this in a more rhythmic way, I would actually add the word "still" to this (And the feeling still lingers). It just seems like that fits the meter of the verse a bit better.

Really good chorus - I kind of like the A B C B B rhyming pattern personally.

I think you should either cut down the verses or cut one out (or perhaps combine two of them to eliminate one) and you'll have gold on your hands. It's good like it is now, just that whole attention span thing, ya' know?

[crimson_713]

Yeah, I have massive amounts of ADD-riddled information, which usually turns into rediculously long songs. I'm still toying with the music, because I'm notorious for not being able to make up my mind when I compose, but I hope that the lyrical length of the piece won't make it too terribly long with the music added to it.

Yes, the piece was rather bittersweet, there's a lot of bittersweet emotions behind it.

There was one line that caught me as needing adjustment just based on the way I would sing it: "And the feeling lingers"
For the purpose of phrasing this in a more rhythmic way, I would actually add the word "still" to this (And the feeling still lingers). It just seems like that fits the meter of the verse a bit better.

That's the one line in the entire song that I felt didn't fit, and I couldn't figure out a way to make the damn thing sound right. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you.

[frshtrx]

Springsteen's first album had lots and lots of words, some how he made it work.
good luck with that...
one basic incongruity in the song, maybe, maybe not, is the shifting from 3rd person to first...
"he" to "I"

I get that there's a perspective shift when in the chorus, but it may confuse a more passive listener. If that could be aligned there would be no questions regarding...

sometimes if the song is a personal issue, it helps keep objectivity by fully replacing the 'self' with the third party. I also think it makes it more of a story telling than a personal gripe, which is always more interesting, imho.

...that "wasting time" thing is spot on the money. darn it.
nice job.

[tylerxfury]

i like it
as they said before, it seems like alot of lyrics
but if written as a verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus, outro
it would seem like a good mainstream style song
i look forward to hearing a full composure from this,
perhaps on the bash this recording board =)

[crimson_713]

I agree that the perspective shift doesn't really fit during the verses, but I really like the chorus...

I'm currently working on the music, so I should have a recording posted as soon as it's done, and I'll be sure to link it here.

[frshtrx]

yup, that's why I threw the 'maybe not' in my comment... it's all good

[zoggy66]

To be honest, it is much too long. Looks more like a poem which is fine. I am new to recordnig but have been writing lyrics for much time. It is important the listener can easily put themselves in your shees and identify themsleves in the story of the song.

My 2 cents worth would be to turn it in a two part song. I would actually make it longer, and have it in two parts as two diffrent songs.

Just an idea. The lyrics remind me me more like part of a concept album, where each songs is part of a story. In this case I'd love to know "what is she sorry for"? and a song about the good times together would be a great opener..............

Cheers
Nick

[frshtrx]

just re-visiting - I agree there's a lot of words...but if you double the lines and double time them into couplets, you can get through a lot of words very quickly.
Jason Mraz would flow through this in 3:45 !
It's also a good way to sing about something non-upbeat but still generate an upbeat vibe.
I'm looking forward to hearing the recording...