lyrics to critique

[mindbender]

hi this is my first post here and i've been working on this song lately, i was just wondering if i can get any opinions on the lyrics here, if a story is getting through or any comment on it really. i've never finished a song before that had more than ten words but i really like good lyrics so im going to work on it now and start writing. i just want to start finishing things i start.

here it is, its called Autumn Fallout i think

[verse]
There's blood on your doorstep you're fumbling your keys in the dark
it's quarter to ten, you've lost your girl and you're drunk again
pack your bags you're heading south for the fallout
suit yourself but the hills aren't in your favour
start heading out but you know, you dont wanna go
autumn fallouts around anytime of year

[chorus]
if you're searching for gold, you know that you wont find it here
you'll only grow old and no one will shed a tear

[verse]
out on the tracks early birds sing in your name
the wind roars and the cold nips at your face
times like this the sun seems lost in space
if you had your way it would be bright everyday
but you're damn worried legs just quicken in their pace
being alones not so bad, just an aquired taste

[chorus]
keep on asking for time, but no one will lend an ear
got no one but yourself and now you don't even care
in your face there's no emotion your mind can't replace
spend the day and look forward to things comming your way
you know its true when they say it gets easier
cos when your dead whats harder than laying down

[gg.gamble]

yeah it tells a story, nothing too cheesy in there too. i like that the chorus lyrics change.

[Bjorgvinben]

Hey,
I really like those lyrics. They sound pretty strong, and there are some nice unconventional rhymes that make a cool rhythm, at least when you're reading them.

I like these kinds of stories so for me it struck home. Although I didn't see any thing especially to improve, it is always a good idea to go over the words(especially verbs) that you are using and see if you can use some "power words" instead. A great resource can be found here

Anyways, like it. Hope it helps.

[gg.gamble]

power words? the artist in me disagrees with this principle

Benediktsson that link doesnt work for me.
Also IMO i think improvising ;words; is over rated, well thoughtout lyrics can be much more appreciated than an educated persons intial instincts to rhyme.

i'm not trying to discredit your point of view here, just putting across another.

[crooked09]

Seems good, a good first line that captures interest. Not sure what its about exactly and its always really hard to judge lyrics without hearing them over the intended music, but here goes.

Coming back to how i don't know what it's about. fine maybe if its intentional, but if its like a pop song I feel like it should be a little less abstract, maybe somewhere you could kind of tie it together. Also, hard to make the call without hearing the music, but unless its a progressive style my instinct would be to make the choruses match so that it is more memorable, if not the whole thing at least a couple of phrases

[Bjorgvinben]

@gg.gamble Haha, you make me sound like an academic, that's kind of flattering I suppose. I fixed the link, don't know why the format did that to it.

No offense taken, to each his own, glad to be a part.