How about these lyrics?

[jamort]

I am looking for some feedback on these lyrics

this song isn't finished

ive got southern pride in my blood
my trucks all covered with mud
and my life has been washing away
i wish I could say
It would be ok
If I don't change ways

jus the other night
I got in a fight
it landed me right
in jail
but maybe it did something right
When I hit my head up beside that rail

CAuse now all I Want to do
is ditch my life
and start a new
now I relize the hell I've been
putting everybody through
been causing nothing but pain
and living a crazy life
that I just cant explain
and now i wonder if things will ever be the same

and this one is
verse 1
The other day i heard our song
I couldnt help but sing along
all those times we spent together
thought it would be forever

pre chorus
But I guess I was wrong and now....
chorus
Your gone and I dont give A damn
I know you deserve somebody better than I am
This is just about alll I can take
I think my lifes a big mistake

aint got telephone call
took all your pictures off my wall
i dont give shit what you do
all this hell weve been through

chorus
Your gone and I dont give A damn
I know you deserve somebody better than I am
This is just about alll I can take
I think my lifes a big mistake

I cant help you if your feeling pain ----- rapped would be best
I'm living this life I cant explain
now I find it strange
how much things can change
giving somebody everything
and getting nothing in exchange

chorus
Your gone and I dont give A damn
I know you deserve somebody better than I am
This is just about alll I can take
I think my lifes a big mistake

Thanks

[Lorraine]

What kind of music? The first three verses don't flow with the rest of the song.

This sounds good in my head if something like: (... carry)

Cause now all I Want to do
is ditch my life
and start
a new .....
now I re - a - lize the hell
I've been put - ting
every - body through
been causing nothing but pain living a crazy life
that I just
cant ex-plain
now i wonder
if things
will ever be
the same

This ... is depressing:
Your gone and I dont give A damn
I know you deserve somebody better than I am
This is just about alll I can take
I think my lifes a big mistake



Good luck

[AswegoHomestead]

Definitely got potential! Agree with Lorraine about the first three verses not flowing with the rest of the song. IMHO I think I would look at using the first three verses on another song for right now and work on the the remaining verses. You may end up using them later in this tune as your final lyrics develop. Are you working on the music for this tune or just lyrics? I find that for me as soon as I get a good solid first verse I start working on the music at the same time, it helps me sorta keep the rhythm in my lyrics.
You are definitely on the right track. I find that once I get the basic lyrics down it ususally takes me a couple weeks of re writes and re recordings before I am satisfied with the final project. If you compose with guitar you want to grab a copy of Song Sheet 5 for Guitar. I couldn't live without it!!!!! Another program we use regularly is Finale Notepad 2008 for writing arrangements and printing sheet music. Here is a link to my website page with more info on these two programs.
COMPOSITION

Good luck, you got the hard part done. Now just refine.
Regards
Butch

[arbogast]

Good idea and i love the first two lines! Rhymin' blood with mud - catchy!

On my frist reading I began feeling confused at the chorus. Thematically I dont think these lines:

'now I relize the hell I've been
putting everybody through'

and

'I..... been causing nothing but pain'

goes well with:

'I know you deserve somebody better than I am'

'Your gone and I dont give A damn'

This makes me doubt whether the narrator actually wishes to change as radically as he claims.

This is just what I felt/thought reading through your lyrics. Its a lot easier to critizise than to create. Generally I think this could be a fantastic song - I'm curios as to what genre/style it'll be in.

(My first post btw )

[jamort]

thanks for the feedback-- sorry it took so long I got a new email address and didnt look back and the first song I think is going to be country then the second some type of punk or alternative rock or maybe soft.... Also I would like to throw something else I have been working on I'm trying to find a hook
here it is:
I see the thing about the verses not flowing...
ARBOGAST I didnt quite get what you said if you could please elaborate more it sounded mostly as if you thought these ideas were going into one
and also I plan to do the music, I'm working on getting a keyboard before I start I can play guitar just not that good at composing any thing rather than chord progressions... I've also found that somethimes I go into to much dtail so I'm trying to cut some of my detail out... This song is intended as somebody whose been cheated on...
Also I'm looking to start up a band for this...

tonight im gonna cry
baby dont act like
you dont know why
dont even say goodbye

i cant take it any longer
dealin with the pain
everyday it gets stronger
and I get closer to insane

dont you even turn around
dont you even shed a tear
you can stay in town
just dont come back here ---- might make that chorus or the second verse oo to make the chorus.... btw I hadn't finished the songs above and had forgot I had posted them on here and my computer that had them crashed so I'm glad I looked
(Chorus)

Thanks once again and thanks for your feedback sorry it took me so long to get back

[Lorraine]

Feel like I'm gonna cry
fight it - yeah I'll try
baby - don't ask why
just don't say goodbye

I'm going insane
can't take it no longer
it seems the pain
just keeps gettin stronger

dont you even turn around
dont you even shed a tear
you can stay in town
just dont you come back here

(funny ... I have a song I referenced in an earlier post (recorded 1992 called don't say goodbye - different tho:-))
see if those changes flow for you.
Lorraine

[jamort]

lol I had never heard that song before the god honest truth... but it is close to mine... do you know who recorded that song that your thinking of? going to make sure I haven't heard it

[jamort]

just wrote my third verse

remember how happy were
never wanted nothin more
and there it went
we were arguin again

one more thing I wonder what the copyright laws would be were the chorus is unintentionally the same?

[Lorraine]

No worries. I was the writer, but I don't think the composer (A professional composer/engineer) ever did anything with it. I am attempting to contact him because I'm changing the arrangement and taking it from (his music) a R&B ballad to a soft rock ballad. So it is doubtful you've heard the song.
They are definitely from a different frame of reference.


On to your song ...
I like
remember how happy were
never wanted nothin more

then try ...
thought we were so sure (or.... our love was so sure)
only happiness in store
then things started to change
started arguing more
couldn't stand the pain
then you walked out the door
(short bridge)
dont you even turn around
dont you even shed a tear
you can stay in town
just dont you come back here
Yeah you can stay in town
but don't come here
just keep walking away
I'm not crying a tear
just keep walking away
don't you come back here

Hey, hope it helps. Lorraine

[Deodar]

Interesting potential.I try to avoid 'Just' & 'even' in writing.
Twas a dark and Stormy night,
My dog ripped off your arm; his bark is worse than his bite
So full of remorse is he,so pathetic is it to see
We look forward to seeing you again
He always has second course with tea.