Any input on songwriting would be awesome!

[guitarfreakrockon]

Hey I'm Anthony. I'm 15 and I've been playing guitar and writing songs since i was about 4. but now I'm getting alot more serious about it than I ever planned on. I've been writing a song a day for the past month and a few days just to get practice at writing. I play mainly acoustic stuff. But i try to write above and beyond most of the time. For example, I think of a band that I would like to write for someday and I write a song for them. So if anyone could give me input that would be awesome! Here's a song sample...

I'll write you a lullaby tonight
I'll let you know that it's alright
So just quiet down that busy mind
Lay down and rest and then you'll find... (That)

(Chorus)
I'm there in your dreams
Everytime you sleep
I'm there to let you know you'll be okay
So cuddle up close
Cause I want you to know
That soon we will see better days.

I'm sure you'll find with no surprise
That you have sand in your eyes
Just know that each grain represents
Each of the places that we went
So throughout your day keep thinkin' about me
And together we'll sing this melody... (That goes)
(Chorus)

(BRIDGE)
Close your eyes, open up your heart
and then you'll see we're not apart
I know I'm gone but I won't be long
I'll be back but til then lets sing this song.
(Chorus)

Email me if you want to actually hear it. I have a rough demo that my friend mixed for me posted on purevolume. Thanks!!
Anthony

[illybang]

i think that if you want some real feedback about music, you're gonna have to post how the words are sung over the song. if you only want feedback about the lyrics, then that's different, but it sounds like you would like input about the song as a whole.

so, let us hear it?

[edub357]

for being 15 I like the lyrics, Its funny and learn from this that if your writting about this kind of stuff now its only going to get more complicated(relationships that is) you have good song structure and i would like to hear that rough mix, post it in the bash this section and then we can give you better answers on what your looking for.

[guitarfreakrockon]

Originally Posted by illybang

i think that if you want some real feedback about music, you're gonna have to post how the words are sung over the song. if you only want feedback about the lyrics, then that's different, but it sounds like you would like input about the song as a whole.

so, let us hear it?

Chasing the wind on PureVolume.com™

this is a link to my purevolume. the songs called september 4th. I dont have much to work with so the recordings are ROUGH. haha. but here ya go!

[illybang]

Listened to the song. Pretty catchy tune you've got man. Great work. The key change the last time through the chorus was a nice call. I'm a sucker for those.

Just a few crits that will hopefully help in some way (all just my opinions of course):

1) the section in the second verse where you sing "keep thinking about me" sound very off. you need to rework the lyrics, or find a different way to sing that line because it's not fitting into the spot you've given it.

2) i don't really get the lyrics about the "sand in the eyes". i understand you're trying to symbolically turn a bad thing into a good, but it's just not working for me.

[guitarfreakrockon]

Originally Posted by illybang

Listened to the song. Pretty catchy tune you've got man. Great work. The key change the last time through the chorus was a nice call. I'm a sucker for those.

Just a few crits that will hopefully help in some way (all just my opinions of course):

1) the section in the second verse where you sing "keep thinking about me" sound very off. you need to rework the lyrics, or find a different way to sing that line because it's not fitting into the spot you've given it.

2) i don't really get the lyrics about the "sand in the eyes". i understand you're trying to symbolically turn a bad thing into a good, but it's just not working for me.

thanks for the input! i mean ill take any criticism! seriously! ill see what i can come up with. I know what you mean with the "keep thinking about me" its kind of a mouth full and doesn't really flow right.

And the sand in your eyes is supposed to be the "sandman" visited and each grain is like a place we went in her dreams. which would be alot of places. But i can see how that's not clear. haha. Thanks again!