What it takes...

[lumpy]

I have discovered the secret to success in the wonderful world of music. Now all I have to do is execute my findings. Thankfully with the posting of this self-important blog that nobody is going to read, I am well on my way.

Are you ready? Here goes.

In order to be a successful musician, or any entertainer for that matter, you need to simply be a douchebag!

The Urban Dictionary defines "douchebag" as the following...

An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.


Now, how many successful musicians, be it on the world-wide, national, regional, or local scale, does this definition fit? Let's rattle off a few more famous names shall we?

Frank Sinatra. Elvis Presley. Chuck Berry. John Lennon. Lou Reed. Curt Cobain.

Douchebags all! Even my hero Frank Zappa was guilty of occasionally displaying monumental fits of douchebaggery!

The only recognizable music movement whose sole purpose was the wholesale rejection of douchebaggery was the NYC punk rock scene of the mid 70's, which soon self destructed under the inevitable onslaught of douchebaggery that it's founders suffered from once minimul success was realized.

It is an unbreakable rule. In order to be a successful musician you must be a douchebag!

So here is my step by step program for achieving supreme douchebaggedness and henceforth mucho music success.

1. Buy at least a 10,000 watt PA system so that your tens of dozens of loyal fans can suffer the same collective permenant, irrervesable ear damage while sipping light beer in a pool hall while listening to your band's excellent 45 minute rendition of "Mustang Sally". Note: Ensure your guitarists have at least 10 effects pedals and a half dozen guitars apiece. Nothing screams "I've made it" louder than swapping guitars after every lame cover song.

2. Quit your day job. You are a rock star now, end of discussion.

3. Change your appearence. Get a faux-hawk, some body piercings, a couple of dozen tats and some stretch elastic day-glo go-go pants at a minimum.

4. Write some music. Only serious artists write and perform their own material. Ignore the fact that 95% of the crowd vacates the bar after you announce "and here's one that the drummer wrote.".

5. Record your music. Remember, these songs are your precious babies so money should be no object when shopping for recording studios. Another rule of thumb is that the more takes you have of a song, the more important it must be.

6. Hold a "CD Release Party" upon completion of your personal "Sgt. Pepper's". Be sure to take out plenty of ads in all your hometown papers and choke up the message boards on any forum you may belong to. It doesn't matter that your "cd" is four shitty Fall Out Boy rip offs, burned with your moms HP Pavilion, neatly packaged in cheesy colored paper sleeves.

7. Aquire at least 20,000 MySpace "friends". Networking is key. The best way to accomplish this is by making "friends" with every porn star that has a MySpace account. Once this is done it's like fish in a barrel.

8. Have some black and white "glossy's" taken of the band by a professional. Always pose the band in front of a brick wall or on some train tracks and never, NEVER smile. Ensure that the biggest douche in the band is always front and center for easy identification.

9. Suck the local paper's arts and entertainment editor's ass. Buy him/her some light beers and give them a homemade laminated "All Access" pass on a string to all your shows. This will ensure that your band is favorably mentioned on a regular basis in their column on page 14, Section D.

10.Always pad your numbers. If 17 people show up for your gig, inflate it to 170. Oh yeah, gross IS the same as net! And always report your numbers to the appropriate parties (bar bitches, swamp donkies, other band dudes, the A&E editor, et al).

11.Write a generic contract with plenty of riders (free stuff your employer has to provide) like 6 cases of light beer or energy drinks for your drummer or two-ply shit paper intended for the band's exclusive use. If the employer doesn't provide the riders to the letter, pitch a hissy and refuse to perform. Be sure to report the insurrection to the appropriate parties (refer to Step 10).

There you have it. My no fail, easy to follow, guaranteed set of instructions on how you too can be a rock star!

Lump

[brandondrury]

I always like referencing to Appetite For Destruction lyrics by good ole Axl (probably the king of all douchebags....at least for his time....which happened to have more obvious douchebagery).

Those jack offs wrote that album with 5 guys living in a 2 bedroom apartment. They had no money and no reason to think they were going to be different than the other 4,000 L.A. hair bands at the time.

However, the lyrics suggest that they wrote that album AFTER going 18 platinum. They either totally faked it or were so dillusional that they really thought they were rock stars even when they had a net worth of $7. Now they express their "burned-out-ed-ness" by buying $20,000,000 pieces of art.

If it's a person's ambition to be "successful" as a musician, there is no way around all the things that Lump has pointed out. It's just the way it work. Sometimes "being dumb" makes you better at things. Being in a band is one. Selling cars is another.

Brandon

[shylessness4924]

Originally Posted by lumpy

I have discovered the secret to success in the wonderful world of music.
There you have it. My no fail, easy to follow, guaranteed set of instructions on how you too can be a rock star!

Lump

Dude you are the douchebag....

and wat is that all about? is it suppose to make you feel better?
I mean c'mon , have you ever tried to get a record deal? You need so much works, and yes there is artists that didnt do crap do get popular, but most of them worked their f**king ass off. Hey, you need to make a band, practise A LOT , write MANY SONGS, play as many shows you can, use all the money you have to record demos that will contain 10 songs max, find a booking and a management compagny, contact dozen of A&Rs just to come see you and im not even getting in the recording process. And even when you're done with recording your cd, you need a big break in order to become a rockstar

Its a lot of work and you should stop saying your pointless and stupid bullshit against great artists with talent cos you appear as the jackass in this monologue of jealousy.



alex

[samccart]

Originally Posted by shylessness4924

Its a lot of work and you should stop saying your pointless and stupid bullshit against great artists with talent cos you appear as the jackass in this monologue of jealousy.alex

Are you kidding me? That was an AWESOME post!
Lumpy, you made my day!

Define great artists?

Cyndi Lauper? (she ran on the coat-tails of the whole Madonna dance club new york scene and starred captain lou albano sp? in her video at a time when most videos SUCKED and became an instant 15 minute rock star)

Twisted Sister? (dress in drag at the time hair and extreme look was in vogue? so much talent there, too bad it wasn't musical)

Many so called talented artists are a product of what the record companies "think" that the market wants! Look at the whole american idol crap that millions tune into each season. Talent on the show, yes, some! Most tune in for the "simonizing" that occurs before the show gets serious. Once some real talent begins to compete, its all about the image the record companies think they can market to be the next superstar.

Lumpy-loved the post, humorous, honest, and fun to read in its ironical composition.

Alex-to me, it sounds as if you are the jealous one for not having the wit to write the post yourself. But then again, I too am a douche bag!

[brandondrury]

You need so much works, and yes there is artists that didnt do crap do get popular, but most of them worked their f**king ass off.

Nowhere did Lump say that major label bands were lazy. If he did, I'd have to call Lump out for being semi-wrong. (I'm still pretty sure that pouring concrete is harder work than driving in a bus all day and playing guitar for an hour or two).

Its a lot of work and you should stop saying your pointless and stupid bullshit against great artists with talent cos you appear as the jackass in this monologue of jealousy.

Let's take this a different route. Let's think of movie stars.
Bruce Willis isn't REALLY a burned out cop who has a wife that hates him and is constantly getting suspended by his asshole captain. Bruce Willis doesn't really jump off of 747s holding a machine gun with bunches of explosions in the background. Bruce Willis collects art and wears funny hats. He seams like a pretty likeable guy when he says "Yippie Ky Yay Motherfucker". No, he was in drama club in school. We all know those guys. They are weird.

Listen to Al Pacino speak of of his "operatic" performance in Scarface. He IS an AMAZING actor because the dude is a wacked out dickbag in real life. Of course, if I had $100 million for doing something "fun" I'd probably have a skewed perspective too.

My point? Those rock stars you look up to, you probably wouldn't even like them. It's pretty much a given. Anyone driven enough to be successful is probably a douchebag. It kind of goes back to the Team America (dicks vs pussies vs assholes) theory but in a different way.

----------

A new perspective. I'm very good buddies with a band who met like 90% of the criteria on Lumps post. They got some professional photography done and put up some giant flyers with these pictures. The flyers looked like movie posters.

Of course, the funny thing is, I walked into the room and said "You guys are a bunch of fags!!". Their reply? "We know!". The felt stupid for using the huge posters. It turned out that it was a mistake by the printer.

I've heard of multiple situations where Sheryl Crow used and screwd over different guys to screw her way to the top. It's one way of getting the job done. It worked for her, but she's definitely a douchebag.

shylessness4924, I realize you mean well. There will be a day when you don't take yourself so seriously. Even if you think nice or smart guys can be successful in music, who cares? Let Lump has his opinion. (Of course, you've got to know Lump well enough to know when he is being sarcastic and when he isn't).

You insulted lump for saying that Elvis was a douchebag. Are you really arguing with him? Have you ever seen an Elvis movie?

Are you willing to play a Maroon 5 cover? It takes a certain kind of douchebag to do that.

Brandon

[lumpy]

By posting this self-important rant I have taken one giant step into the land of the douche. That was pretty much the disclaimer in the first paragraph.

It is a lot of work being a douchebag. Some folks are natural born douches. They almost always rise to postitions of extreme power on the world wide scale; Hitler, Nixon, Col. Sanders. Most of us have to hone our skills in the fine douche arts. And to make matters worse there are no Douchebag 101 classes offered at any accreditated educational facility that I know of. Political Science doesn't quite count.

Playing the douche and then admitting that you are playing the douche places you at a noticable disatvantage and a much lower rung in the Great Circle of Douche. One must actually believe in their importance in order to be truly enlightend.

All of the things I choose to put in my list are tips you can read on almost any band promotion website. Unfortunately most aspiring musicians believe that they must earn some degree of success through "talent", whatever that is, BEFORE purchasing the 10,000W sound system, etc. One must immediately embrace the douche if one is to be truly successful.

My goal is to prevent other young musicians from making the same mistakes I have. It's too late for me.

Lump
Weinervein Management Diversified, LLC

[brandondrury]

Playing the douche and then admitting that you are playing the douche places you at a noticable disatvantage and a much lower rung in the Great Circle of Douche. One must actually believe in their importance in order to be truly enlightend.

What are complicated ying yang or 69 thingy we've got going here. We've got a thread that is about yuppie douche posers while at the same time we have posing douche(s).

Brandon

[DT Chris]

In order to go anywhere in life, you must be tenacious. Tenacity comes across to others as being a douchebag.

You must be confident in yourself and your abilities, and have great faith in your potential and strive for it. As soon as you tell others this, apparently you are a douchebag.

You must be intelligent, to plan and strategize your moves, to organize and marshall others to your cause. As soon as you put yourself forward to do so and direct others down a path, apparently you are a douchebag.

If you believe band democracy is complete horseshit, and actually hurts the band, and decide that one person should make the final decision, you're being a douchebag.

If you ignore other people's negativity, their rantings about the 'mythical' record deal that 'you'll never get', how you're no Steven Tyler (in my case) and a myriad of other limiting comments, and blow them off and strive for your best, apparently you are also a douchebag.

Man, even a recent would-be customer who wanted to low-ball me to oblivion ("You're not a doctor, why do you charge so much") on a service that I know is well-valued by other customers, and I wouldn't budge, she thought I was a douchebag. I was 'cocky' and 'full of myself'. I guess confidence in yourself and your abilities makes you a douchebag.

When I demand the best from others, and demand 'originality', apparently I'm a douchebag.

If I don't people what they want to hear, apparently I'm a douchebag.

If I won't accept the best possible from myself and others, apparently I'm a douchebag.

Then so be it. If I'm a douchebag, I'm fine with that. The only people calling me a douchebag anyways are the people sitting on the sidelines are wannabe douchebags without the balls to make things happen.

[samccart]

Well spoken DT!!!

According to these definitions, I've been a douchebag for years! Its nice to know that I am not alone in that quest!

Scott

[AfaraWayland]

this thread makes me smile

thanks lump.

...oh, and the band I work with...I want them to do #6, 7, and 9...

They are currently doing number 5 with me.

3 and 8 aren't far off either.

For them its like, "how do we get there?"

[there=success, a sort of life, a living]
...there are different measures of there

Their answer: play shows in home town (just now getting a decent crowd), make CD, sell CD, get private sponsor to fund tour-further recording,..?..?..?..get big/make a living.

In my mind there are a few ways to achieve there, one of which is the douchbaggery described here.

The way I think of it, since I've never been part of something that exploded or went to the next level, is that the band has two ways of approaching their goal (to be there).

Here are the two ways I see they go about it.

1. F--- the [wa$m] artistry crap, "become a whore," get with the program and go douchebag-gr-ific, doing whatever necessary...meaning the members of the band disconnect from a personal connection to this band "thing," and treat it like a business, not letting personal stuff get in the way of what the "thing" is trying to accomplish. For example: I believe this method requires that the band set the band's collective guiding principles, but not letting one hippy in the band of four other guys refuse to work with a label because of some alleged sponsorship agreement with some company that kills dolphins, or supports child labor...or whatever that everyother member has no problem with. Play the fool for a while, be a one hit wonder, aka "the commercial approach."

-this method goes against much if not all of what artists stand for, so naturally-its a tough decision for some. Some of the best music that exists was NOT made this way. However, if you want to make money with music...show some professionalism. If you want to be a whinny artist...do it as a hobby. If you can be a great artist yet still treat your craft seriously, like a profession...look out world!

2. Slock it out like a lot of artsy niche/garage bands, play shows, sell your own cds, for years and years developing a "fan base" other than your hometown buds, until one-day their dreams are left or somehow magically fulfilled. aka, "the Widespread Panic/Van Halen approach."

-for a no-name band starting in small-town USA, try this on for size and balance healthy relationships and habits, family, financial responsibilities...plus, this is the reality that many bands find themselves in...the dream of being there never materializes, yet, they find themsleves...just doing a job.

so, why not be a commercial whore for a while...make your money...then re-invent yourselves for the "coming back all artsy-finding my roots-way."-having enough cash to privately fund your vanity project.

There may be inbetweens or different names for some of this stufff...I'll leave that up to ya'll.

What say you guys?