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Of course, everyone told me the first problem with my scenario was that I was trying to use a PC laptop.
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I'm sure this "Everyone" group consisted of ministers in the Mac religion. I know of many, many, many people who use a PC laptop for recording and do just fine. This suggests that there are issues with your particular laptop.
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Shouldn't it be easy to get started?
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Yes and no. When you have an understanding for this stuff, it's not bad. There are often hurdles on the technical side simply due to the fact that audio recording is very demanding on a computer and has special needs that Photoshop or whatever doesn't have. There are also hurdles with some people not taking the time to read manuals and such. It's not efficient to learn Cubase by playing around with it. You need to understand their system. Maybe you have read the manuals, but I'm just generalizing here.
You didn't mention whether you created a new track, armed it, selected the proper input from your audio interface, and then pressed record. You didn't mention to which output you routed your stereo out from Cubase.
If you've already used the Getting Started guide in Cubase, I'd suggest checking out this:
Soundcard Troubleshooting 101