 Re: Lyrics for review.
First reactions:
I'll start with the "negatives".
1) Wow, that's a lot of lyrics. I think the verses are pretty long as well. I count 4 verse-type sections that each have 12 lines.
2) The words paint a kind of bittersweet picture... it's almost as if the writer is glad that "she" is gone: "The dawn is unforgiving... But the night is free" Perhaps that is what you're going for. I guess I'd have to hear the music that goes with it because when I initially imagined how to sing it, it sounded a lot more sad, but then I read the lyrics and caught that bittersweet tinge to it. And I'm not sure that this is a "negative" at all, just something to consider.
Positives
1) I could really hear this song in my head and actually want to sing along with it even though I've never heard it before. The lyrics are very poignant and colorful.
2) After reading a second time, I really appreciate the conflict within this story. Especially the way it is tied at the end. It's really good.
A few other notes:
There was one line that caught me as needing adjustment just based on the way I would sing it: "And the feeling lingers"
For the purpose of phrasing this in a more rhythmic way, I would actually add the word "still" to this (And the feeling still lingers). It just seems like that fits the meter of the verse a bit better.
Really good chorus - I kind of like the A B C B B rhyming pattern personally.
I think you should either cut down the verses or cut one out (or perhaps combine two of them to eliminate one) and you'll have gold on your hands. It's good like it is now, just that whole attention span thing, ya' know?
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